I think my Instagram account gives the impression that we are always having fun and life is rosy.
Yes, we do try and have fun as much as possible. My job is to give my girls the best life I can. This sometimes keeps me from being the best grandma, friend or relative but they come first. Well, actually I come first. Because if not, I wouldn't be able to care for them.
The girls are mostly easy. But I can be hard on them to do things right or to listen better and that causes some problems. I have one daughter that will test me continuously and I don't always pass that test with good parenting. But after years of doing this, it is mostly easy.
These past few months have been hard on us because I have been dealing with a major struggle in my life. After losing almost half my income, because of my ex and a crooked judge, I spiraled down into a pit of self pity. I have been abandoned so many times by my ex, you would think I would be used to it by now. But this threw me. This wasn't suppose to happen. Things in the original judgment were made to keep this from happening. I felt as if my whole life had been cut out from under me. My financial security, my self worth and my comfortable life disappeared.
I went to a dark place. The only other time I was this bad was when my mom died and it was a different kind of pit, and when I got divorced.
I started hating my ex all over again. I hated the judge and even God. I felt a total abandonment. Self pity and shame can take you down some pretty deep holes.
After a couple months I realized I hated myself more than the others. I started blaming myself for lack of discipline, which I call self indulgence. For being a financial idiot. (my dads words, but true)
I questioned my beliefs because if God would let this happen how could he be loving. I may have deserved it, but my girls didn't.
I soon began to feel very comfortable in my anger. I would blow up at the slightest things and it felt good. I would swear with a vengeance and it felt good. I didn't want to give in because it all led back to me.
I qustioned my parenting, which never was that great but I made it worse in my mind. I thought of all the things I should have done and all the mistakes I made and I spiraled more.
Did anyone know how deep I went. I don't think so, but I am sure some knew that I was troubled and angry. I don't hide my feelings, just the depth of them.
During this I started an Instagram account. I found people with many struggles. Children with severe disabilities, ladies with anxiety and depression. They all struggled and gave life their best anyway. They were real about their problems and their struggles but kept moving forward.
I started wondering why I couldn't get to that point. One lady has an ex from hell. She talks about her sturggles, her faith and how she moves forward. She continues to be a great inspiration to me. Plus she is funny and that helps. I also heard some sermons that spoke to me.
Slowly, very slowly I decided I needed to figure this out and move on. I am not there yet. I still have days and moemnts of mental self abuse, swearing and anger. But each day gets a little brighter. Each day I am more willing to trust that God has a plan, even for those of us who screw up on a daily basis. Look at David. He was a mess and God called him beloved.
My extra money is now gone. I don't know how we will get the extras now. The extras like tires, hair cuts, ortho shoes, brakes, DMV fees, travel to see my kids and all the other necessities. I have been trying to get a job but keep getting rejected. Maybe that just leaves more room for God to work.
But I am hoping God has my back. I am hoping he just shakes his hiead and says, come here my child, I will take care of your broken heart. I will take care of your needs and maybe a few desires. I am hoping.
So now you have a very big piece of my life. Yes we have great travel pictures, dance pictures and pictures of general fun times. And they are all true. They show the very best times of our lives. I treasure these and hope for many more times like these.
So hang in there if you struggle. Keep posting beauty and throw in some stark reality once in awhile. You don't know who you might be helping.
Beauty from ashes. Much love to you all.
For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11.
I must hang on to this.